| whew. |
[25 Jun 2009|08:24am] |
So I broke my car Monday. And by that I mean, backed my passenger side mirror into a telephone pole. Stupid, unfortunate and costly mistake. So while Gunter sits in Metairie waiting for the new mirror to arrive and be installed, I have been coming to Tulane with Alison in time for Patchwork every morning. In other words, 9:00 AM. And due to my box office job and rehearsals for Fighting With Two Hands, I remain on campus until approximately 12:30 AM. So I'm a bit tuckered.
Anyway, the summer has been going nicely. Jeff and Lisa left yesterday, so whenever Alison and I get a few hours of free time, at the same time, we're moving to the Marigny. My job is alright- the ticket-selling part is fine and easy, but the keeping-up-with-numbers part is a little tricky, particularly because there isn't really an organized system in place that I could be trained into, so I've been somewhat making it up until I realize I'm doing something wrong, then trying to fix the error. But I get decent money to sit in an air conditioned office alone every afternoon, so that's nice.
King Lear went quite well. It was a bit intimidating at first, coming into rehearsals completely unprepared with actors who've been treading the boards longer than I've been alive. But they listened to me and seemed to think I had good ideas, which made me think that just maybe I'm not too shabby at this directing thing. God, I hope not.
Fighting With Two Hands is also going well. It's tough because we can't rehearse until after The Comedy of Errors finishes every night, due to Sam being in the cast and me working the house, so rehearsals are quite late. But everyone is focusing, listening, and working hard to make Helen's play look damn good. I'm not quite sure I'm excited to be onstage again, but it should be interesting if nothing else.
Also, because I have a few hours on campus every morning, I've gone back to what little self-discipline I have and am reading a play a day again. It's only started this week, but I knocked out T.S. Eliot's The Cocktail Party (weird) and David Rabe's Those the River Keeps. I'm reading Rabe's Hurlyburly today, then onto grander things. Hopefully, this will little bit of self-training I can muster will provide some divine inspiration for my thesis, of which I shall speak more soon.
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[13 Apr 2009|01:24pm] |
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Yesterday was a disappointing, infuriating day. And that's all I'm going to say about it.
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[17 Mar 2009|09:51am] |
The things I have to do and the things I want to do are not always the same things, and I can't always do both. Yet I nearly always choose what I want versus what I need. I can manage to rehearse 20 hours a week and feel good about that, but not purge a couple of pages or critique for classes, or to find the time or focus to read about semiotics. And I think rehearsals are going well and that I may actually be able to do this with my life, which is awesome, but I feel like if I can't even do my work for classes there's no way I can be good at this, and I feel like this semester I've made the most improvement as an actor because a certain professor is on sabbatical and off my back, and what does that say about my education? or my work ethic? and I just want to curl up and read books about the show until I go rehearse the show and then come back and read some more. And I've really been missing Denis, and regretting never telling him how much I cared about him, how much of an asshole he was, and how much hurt adding those two together equals. and I'm so jealous of Alison, because she had a very similar experience with someone in a theater she worked at right before coming to Tulane, but she grew some stones and told her, and she got to experience something that I never will. and every time something that might be good for me starts to get a little hard, the walls come back up again. I stopped going to the counselor I had been seeing. I stopped trusting him.
and this whole rant was to try to dissolve the ball of panic in my belly that rose up when I realized I had run out of procrastination techniques and had to write a paper now. I'm not sure yet if it helped.
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| On Hannah's return to grace... |
[09 Mar 2009|11:56pm] |
Not too much to report, other than that Soul of the City rehearsals are officially underway, and I feel refreshed and renewed. Not working on a show for so long really killed any ambition and motivation I may have once had. But now they're both back. I'll finally be a responsible student again.
It really just comes down to a barter system, the mentality that "I have to do my work so that I can go to the theatre for a few hours tomorrow." So when you take away having to go to the theatre, the reasoning for getting the work done also disappears. But now it's back, and I feel great!
More news later, I suppose. Right now I have to do my homework.
ETA: Huh. Another reason for my positive demeanor.
A certain person-that-I'd-wronged finally wrote be back. And forgave me.
Awesome.
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| What's the use in trying? |
[26 Feb 2009|10:33pm] |
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music |
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"When You Were Young," the Killers |
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Two things that worry me, despite being completely uninvolved with them:
1- Nolan Smith was floored on a pretty intense screen last night and suffered a mild concussion. The official news is that his return is "uncertain."
2- Steven Page left Barenaked Ladies. In hindsight, this has been inevitable since July, but it's still upsetting to think about the band that defined my adolescence moving on without him.
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I spent Mardi Gras in bed all day. Then Alison and I got ice cream for dinner. Then she cut my hair. It's pretty awesome, I must say. If I ever take a picture of it that I like, I may be more self-indulgent than usual and share.
Also, I am giving up meat for Lent. Now, many of you may be thinking, " But Hannah, you're not even Christian, much less Catholic. Why on Earth are you putting yourself through the pain and suffering of vegetarian dining on a college meal plan when you are not spiritually guilted into it?"
And to you I say, "Exactly."
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| precisely because I do not have the time... |
[16 Feb 2009|11:52pm] |
...is why I am posting once again.
Alison and I had a very lovely, low-key Valentine's weekend. It involved the French Market, fondue, and being ridiculously happy. Hopefully, we will have just as much fun this weekend, as it marks both Mardi Gras and our six-month anniversary. I cannot believe it's only been six months. I cannot wait for the next six.
Tomorrow is my Film Theory midterm. Thus why I am rambling on here instead of studying. Because I am once again terrified. I have convinced myself it is easier to not do anything at all and face the consequences than to actually get my work done. This mindset is proving problematic. I still have not done the work for my Incomplete class. The thought has crossed my mind to just drop this class, take the W, let my GPA take the F, and just drop my Film Studies major rather than do it. But then I remember how absolutely insane that is and how big of a pansy I am being, and I stop looking for ways out of this hole and simply go back to just being paralyzed by the enormity of this work.
Which leads me to the next point- I started seeing a counselor weekly. I kind of call it "therapy" but don't like to think of it as any more than an educational resource- that contrast in and of itself is ridiculous. We mostly talk about how things are going with Alison and my anxiety- only this week did we start talking about time management. I realized that I am pretty aware of my weaknesses in managing time, as well as what I need to do in order to get things accomplished. The failure lies in my lack of discipline to do those things, which is most disheartening of all. I'm a fucking coward, afraid of doing something hard. Although now that I think about it, I'm not afraid. I'm just really fucking stubborn. I never had to work hard for A's before, and I'll be damned if I start now. Which is quite an unfortunate mindset. Nonetheless, hopefully my honest, factual explanation to my professor tomorrow about why I still do not have the work done, and do not expect her sympathy but am taking steps to identify my own faults, will buy me enough time to kill this ghost.
I've also been reading a ridiculous amount of Questionable Content. Yet another reason I have accomplished nothing.
Do or die time, I suppose. If you need me, I'll (hopefully) be studying.
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| Drained |
[24 Jan 2009|02:36pm] |
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music |
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Drive-By Truckers/Brothers Creeggan/Scott Miller and the Commonwealth, etc. |
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Two weeks in, and I feel drained. Not burnt out, or tapped out, or anything that hints to not having anything left. I'm just running on reserves right now, and i could really use a booster.
Last night Alison and I tried to see Slumdog Millionaire, but of course, not being able to do anything right recently, we got there late, and I HATE going into a theater once the film has started. We considered going home, but stayed to go to the last screening of Milk. But of course, as I walk into the theater with a full 60 seconds to spare, I look on screen and see that I missed all of the credits. 0-2 on punctuality.
So of course I didn't like it. I sat there for most of it pissed off that I missed the beginning, when I wasn't internally screaming at Gus van Sant for not just letting me see someone's face when they were talking. The rest of the time I was so anxious I couldn't sit still, I just kept squirming around hoping it would be over soon. Nonetheless, my simplistic and biased evaluation is this: A lot of good acting mixed with a lot of bad filmmaking and mediocre story development.
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I had a Facebook message this morning from a teacher at my high school, saying she was randomly surfing around and found my Livejournal, and she hoped it was alright that she read it, but she liked how I write, etc. When I stopped my tiny freak-out at the realization that people I like and care about actually read this, I remembered that that is precisely the reason I keep this public- well, mostly. Most of you know how horrible I am at actually communicating....well, anything. I want people that care about me to know how I am, I just am not really capable of telling them.
So please forgive me if my writing sounds a bit stilted for the next few entries. I am trying to forget that you are out there.
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| and I knew that you meant it |
[15 Jan 2009|12:58am] |
I want to start this entry by stating that my media player just transitioned from Dashboard Confessional's "Hands Down" to Toni Braxton's "Un-Break My Heart."
And I will end it by saying that in Jazz Dance today, we warmed up with the Cupid Shuffle.
I think that big, chunky middle part, where I tell you about how I've been and what I've been doing and my life goals and dreams can be inferred from the two above facts.
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| Walk me down your broken line |
[07 Jan 2009|01:22am] |
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music |
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Wheel of Fortune |
] |
Well, I'm not starting the new year well:
- My laptop is non-functional. Unlike when the CD drive stopped working, I called tech support the day it died, and Glen the helpful IT guy thinks it's my A/C adapter, so I should have a new one tomorrow or Thursday. However, this delays the work for my Incomplete class, which leads me to...
- I haven't done any of that work. So although I emailed the professor about my laptop, it's not like I'm actually being delayed, seeing as I haven't done any work to begin with. I have 3 days to do a film journal and a paper. True, my first class with that professor is Tuesday, but still.
- I have no idea what I'm going to use for auditions. I have read one, lone play this semester, which, while brilliant (August: Osage County for those keeping score) didn't really lend anything I thought I could use. And I do this every semester, leaving it until the last minute.
- I have gone to one movie in theaters since last semester started. One. No James Bond. No Benjamin Button. Not even my dear Viggo Mortensen could drag me to the theater this fall. Only a spur of the moment jaunt to a late night showing of Rachel Getting Married. Which, granted, was pretty alright. But it bums me out just to think about how much I neglected what used to be my lone solace.
But I'm not all pouty:
- I spent five days, including New Year's, in Baltimore with Alison. It was wonderful meeting her family and friends, and exploring her hometown with her.
- Tory is here now. We're gonna hang until heading back to New Orleans.
- I spent quality time with both Erin and Frank before they headed back to their respective universities, as well as seeing Holly Anne.
- After spending time with my family this break, I feel much closer to not only my sister, but also my cousin Ashley. We don't have a lot in common, but we have a very similar sense of humour. It's a little easier to stomach family functions when I know someone I'm not too awkward around will be there.
- My new car is really fucking groovy.
So, there's a very disjointed update. I think if I could just buckle down and force myself out of inaction, my life would be a flash of brilliance. I am entirely convinced that I am capable of that. I just have to DO it.
Also, I'm now addicted to Weeds and the Rachel Maddow Show.
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[24 Dec 2008|10:52am] |
My father's mother had a cyst taken off her face last week. Her husband (also my grandfather) has a bad hip.
A few days ago, they went to one of their favorite antique stores. She walked in with a patch under her right eye, and he with a cane. The manager sees them and says, "Boy, that must have been one hell of a fight!"
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| Elsewhere... |
[22 Dec 2008|11:52pm] |
I got a new car.
So I've got that going for me.
Which is nice.
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[19 Dec 2008|02:48pm] |
My friends keep posting about their grades.
I haven't even bothered to check.
You may see it as a fault that I couldn't care less, but right now it's my saving grace.
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| running away |
[15 Dec 2008|11:12pm] |
we've changed our minds.
we're leaving tonight.
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until next year, New Orleans.
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[15 Dec 2008|11:54am] |
Al. Most. Done.
The next five hours will consist of writing a paper applying Robert Bresson's idea of the actor as 'model,' using his film Mouchette as an example, to the first two feature films of Carlos Reygadas, Japon and Battle in Heaven. This is going to either be really intense or really bullshit, and judging by the self-imposed time constriction, probably the latter.
After that I'll spend about two hours packing my things and preparing my room for a month of non-life. Shouldn't be too hard, but I'll want to take far more home than I should.
Then one last hurrah with those still in town as we go to Celebration Under the Oaks, then Allie's graduation party.
Then I sleep. Then I leave.
But first, I must write.
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| Went down to the crossroads... |
[07 Dec 2008|09:49pm] |
I think I simply need to get my shit together now, or I never will.
I went to the library last night to continue researching my Playboy Riots paper, and spent the entire time looking up artworks for my journal entry. I only need one, and I quickly found one I like (and I will most likely write about the first one I found), but I couldn't reconcile myself to moving on before exploring all options, before making sure I got the best one. So I spent 2 1/2 hours with 7 art databases open, searching Sean Keating and E.M. O'R. Dickey. Only in the last twenty minutes I was there did I do something else, and it still wasn't for my paper- I looked up nursery rhymes and fairy tales for my History of Theatre final. Didn't find one I liked, just wasted more time, then went home and slept far more than I should've.
If it were only as simple as following through on intentions. But I tell myself I have to have a system, I need order. So I think that I know the best way to do things, then I stubbornly stick to that plan, regardless of how much time it wastes. When Alison swung by the library and I told her I'd wasted my time, she suggested I think about medication. She later rescinded the comment, but that didn't really make a difference.
I've had dear, close people to me suggest drugs for 7 years, as if there was some sort of chemical answer. I don't think I could stand it to be that easy. Or that inhuman. I adore my neuroses, because they keep me from being you, or Napoleon or Julia Roberts or Hunter S. Thompson. I don't think I could stand to chemically change- that's becoming a fucking rhinoceros.
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On a completely separate note, Alison and I saw The Seafarer today after putting it off and not having time for the last 5 weeks. She was AME and kind-of ALD on the show, and I am so proud of her for her work, because those lights were bloody gorgeous. On the whole, I thought it was quite good, and the only major qualm I had wasn't necessarily something poorly done as much as a choice that I didn't think worked. However, I had a wonderful afternoon at the theatre, something I hadn't had in far too long. Now if I could just get to the movies sometime...
I cannot wait to be done with finals. Not really to go home (although I miss my dog), just to get on the road. I'm a little too stagnant right now.
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ETA: Please ignore the melodrama. I'm calm now. Just do your work, Hannah- do your goddamn work.
Also, it's so cold out that my knuckles hurt.
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[01 Dec 2008|07:39pm] |
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music |
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Barenaked Ladies "It's All Been Done" live |
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It seems several people in my life have recently been on a quest to prove me Wrong.
That's disheartening.
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| "Weightless" Nada Surf |
[27 Nov 2008|12:33pm] |
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music |
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"About a Girl" Nirvana |
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What music videos should be...
Oh- and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
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| Beginning of the End |
[27 Nov 2008|01:10am] |
I'm taking an Incomplete in Film Analysis so that I can do the work over break.
That's very generous of my professor.
I have too much pride.
I need to learn how to manage my time.
I need to learn how to ask for help.
I need to learn when to say no and not feel guilty.
My parents and grandparents are here for Thanksgiving,
I adore them more and more.
It breaks my heart to see my grandparents losing the fight with Time.
I miss Alison.
I adore Alison.
I went to the zoo today.
That was probably a poor use of time.
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| Apology, so to speak |
[09 Nov 2008|09:31am] |
I misspoke in my last entry.
I do not accuse Senator McCain of playing the race card or of being a 'sore loser.' I think he is an American hero whose policies I do not support.
I do, however, accuse many of his supporters of playing the race card and of being 'sore losers' (although they lost nothing). I was frustrated during McCain's speech more because of the audience than the senator himself. I misjudged my reaction and blamed it on him.
I apologize, Senator McCain.
To those in attendance at his concession speech- blow me.
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| the election |
[06 Nov 2008|06:09pm] |
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music |
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Lifehouse/Mike Aiken/Dave Matthews Band/Louis Armstrong |
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I am ecstatic. I am disgusted.
I am ecstatic because the candidate whom I gave my hard-earned money and my valued time for nearly two years to is now the President-Elect. Because I truly believe he is the right man for the job. Because my generation spoke up, for once, and it made a difference. Because where before there was a "we can't," there is now a "we did."
I am disgusted because of John McCain's concession speech. Because while he superficially conceded, he chalked the victory up to race and called P-E Obama the president of the African-American community. Because many, on both sides, are playing the race card. Because there is a lack of grace from supporters on both sides.
I support P-E Obama mainly because of his post-partisanship ideals. In 2004, I saw his DNC speech and knew: this man is going to change the world through the force of unity. So why do so many of his supporters say 'I told you so' across the aisle? Why are we not reaching out a hand and saying, 'he's OUR president.'?
Come on, guys. The hard work has yet to begin. Not one of us can change the world alone. Not even Barack Hussein Obama.
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